I’ve been having some difficult conversations recently. For me, it doesn’t get any easier. It’s easy to feel frustrated or upset, and that’s not helpful.
I was watching a Crucial Learning webinar, “Crucial Conversations for Today’s Communication Challenges.” Speaker Joseph Grenny identified the three things that make it a crucial conversation: high stakes, opposing opinions, and strong emotions.
Yes, that’s exactly why those conversations were difficult.
I’d like to share two experiences with difficult conversations. I’m not claiming that I handled them well – I could have handled them a lot better. These were learning experiences for me, and I hope that by sharing you’ll reflect on conversations in your work and home life.
One difficult conversation was actually a series of conversations over time. I started with gentle reminders, along the lines of “Remember, this is what we need you to do.” I tried being more fact-based, removing the emotions and focusing on numbers. Nothing changed.
What seemed to work was shifting perspectives from I (the organization) to we (the organization and the employee). “It seems like things aren’t working for you. How can I help make things work?”
Grenny said that, “If you ever have the same conversation twice, you’re having the wrong conversation.” The question I should have asked from the start was, “What conversation do you want to have?”
The important thing to remember: we all want what’s best for the organization. We all have good intentions, we believe in our organization’s mission, and we respect and support each other.
A second difficult conversation was as a by-stander witnessing a dispute. They didn’t need me to solve their problem – they worked it out already, or at least came to a kind of understanding. But they needed someone who could listen to them supportively, without taking sides, and provide a little closure.
My goal was to be a neutral party, someone they felt safe talking to. I asked, “Are you okay with what happened?” and suggested, “Here’s what I can do.” I tried to start these conversations by making it safe for the people I talked with.
The important thing to remember: we are all volunteers and trying to do our best. There are other things we could be doing, but we choose to help with a shared passion and shared commitment.
What difficult conversations have you been part of recently? How did you start the conversation? What made you feel comfortable or uncomfortable?