I don’t like confrontation. I’m more likely to be a peace-keeper than start a tough conversation. The problem is that avoiding a conversation can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
I had two experiences that really highlighted the importance of communication and having tough conversations.
During the first conversation, we talked about everything except an important topic: money. None of us wanted to bring it up and none of us knew what to expect. It was uncomfortable, and I could have avoided that discomfort if I had just started the conversation.
In fact, I had recently attended a webinar, “How to Set Fees: Ethics and Outcomes” with Miranda Palmer and Kelly Higdon, and one of the things they said stuck with me: “If we avoid conversations about money, what else are we avoiding?”
This question made me think about all of the topics we usually avoid to try to keep the peace – whether it’s money, politics, religion, or other hot-button subjects.
Ironically, it wasn’t enough to motivate me to have that conversation when I needed to. Maybe I needed that hard lesson.
Then I attended another webinar, “Taking the Dread Out of Tough Conversations” with Lorna Kibbey of Lorna Kibbey Leadership Solutions. She offered a different perspective that gave me courage. She said: “Tough conversations are a problem-solving method.”
A lightbulb turned on in my head. Tough conversations are problem-solving conversations. Instead of focusing on negative thoughts or emotions, I needed to focus on solutions.
So the next time I had a conversation and needed to talk about a tough subject (it happened to be money again), I took a deep breath, admitted that “I’m a little uncomfortable bringing this up,” and then plunged into the conversation.
What happened? No one was surprised or upset. The other person appreciated that I brought up the subject. We had an honest conversation about talked about our expectations.
And I think that the next tough conversation will be easier to start.
Kibbey also offered perspective that will help me with annual reviews, explaining that “Constructive feedback is a tool used to create positive change in the workplace.” It’s not a personal attack. Giving and receiving constructive feedback comes from a place of caring, to help people improve and succeed. And I think it can work in our personal lives too.
What challenging conversations have you faced recently? How have you worked out solutions together? How will you have different conversations in the future?