7 insights about domestic violence

On a sunny Saturday morning in October, I drove to a small church along University Avenue in Manoa that overlooks a children’s playground. As the presenters held an opening circle, I waited outside the airy sanctuary to check in for a domestic violence workshop, “You Are My Hiding Place,” presented Wings International Ministry.

The workshop opened with a lovely song by musician Meredith Palicte and an opening prayer by Pastor Chris Irving. Throughout the late morning and early afternoon, we listened to speakers talk about domestic violence, teen dating, emergency shelters, domestic violence in the Church, and support groups.

Here are 7 insights I learned about domestic violence in Hawaii, how it affects people, and how to talk to survivors:

The domestic violence numbers are staggering. Marci Lopes of the Domestic Violence Action Center shared some sobering numbers from a 2017 one-day count in Hawaii: 131 domestic violence hotline calls were answered, 493 domestic violence survivors were served, and 170 women and children were housed in domestic violence shelters.

Our first response to survivors is important. “We always come from a place of believing victims,” Lopes stresses. When we talk with domestic violence survivors, we need to believe them, thank them for sharing, and refer them to help. Abuse is a choice made by the abuser. It is about control – through physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, and financial means.

Be authentic when talking with teens. “Teens value authenticity,” emphasizes Mary Frances Canta of the Domestic Violence Action Center, as she begins talking about teens and dating violence. There are three things to remember when talking with teens: don’t blame them, don’t focus on their mistakes, and don’t expect instant happiness. Remind teens that authentic consent is verbal and clear, continuous and reversible, excited and honest.

“I” statements have power. Canta talked about healthy communication and how using “I” statements can make conversations more effective and less confrontational. For example, say “I disagree” or “Let’s Google it” instead of saying “You’re wrong.” Say “I’m angry” instead of “You’re making me angry.” Say “If it were me, I would…” instead of “You should do that.”

Survivors need a safe home. A 2019 point-in-time count in Hawaii: of the 245 people who were homeless because of domestic violence, 51% were unsheltered, revealed Darlene Pires of the Ohia Domestic Violence Emergency Shelter. Emergency shelters, which offer domestic violence survivors a place to stay for up to 90 days, but more transitional or long-term shelters and permanent housing are needed.

Religion is not an excuse for abuse. Marriage is a covenant. Keep the family together. Christian teachings often deter domestic violence survivors from leaving their abusers, said Clara Priester of the Woman’s Board of Missions for the Pacific Islands. But the Bible really teaches that abuse is unacceptable. Everyone has the right not to be abused.

Support groups offer safety. Support groups provide a safe place – not therapy, Norina Barcenas of Wings International Ministry reminds us. So many times we try to find a solution to a problem, and so many times what we really need to do is listen.

“Minister to each other and lift each other up,” Barcenas said at the end of the workshop. The workshop closed with a moving hula by Enola Lum and a closing prayer.

If you or someone you know are in crisis as a result of intimate partner violence, please call the Domestic Violence Action Center Helpline on Oahu at 808-531-3771 or toll-free at 800-690-6200.

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Tags: Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence Action Center, Wings International Ministry, You Are My Hiding Place

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