Insights about practicing compassion

Over the last week, I’ve been learning more about compassion and self-compassion. I signed up for the “Compassion in Therapy Summit,” a five-day online event about mindfulness and compassion-based therapies, neuroscience, and compassion training.

I’m not a therapist, but I work in a mental health counseling office, and I hoped to gain some insight that could help me when I talk with people who call us for help. So after work and on the weekend, I watched one or two of the recorded webinars.

In “A Fierce Self-Compassion Break,” Kristin Neff, PhD shared that there are three components of self-compassion: mindfulness, which bring us clarity; a sense of common humanity, which offers protection and the knowledge that we are not alone; and kindness, which gives us courage. We can be both loving and at the same time protect ourselves from harm, by acknowledging that “I see what’s going on” or “This is not okay.” Protection is another face of love.

Anyone can practice and strengthen compassion and self-compassion. Here are a few of the things I learned. Note: I don’t endorse any of these practices; any mistakes or misunderstandings are my own and not the responsibility of the speakers.

Compassion with couples

When I listened to Sue Johnson, PhD in her conversation about “The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy,” what stood out for me was the phrase, “Help me understand.” Her talk was from a therapist’s perspective, but anyone in a relationship can try to follow this advice. Johnson said that we can create safety for others by being curious, by asking about their experience, and by validating their emotions. If you disagree which what your partner says, you might say, “Part of me wants to believe you, but part of me wants to protect myself.”

Self-compassion with teens

Adolescence (ages 12-24) is a challenging time, filling with physical, neurophysiological, social, and emotional changes. In “Mindful Self-Compassion with Teens in Psychotherapy,” Lorraine Hobbs, MA and Lisa Shetler spoke about how self-compassion can help teens protect themselves from over-identification, isolation, and self-criticism. Self-compassion can help teens manage their busy lives, connect to others, and befriend themselves.

As the parent of a teenage son, what really struck me was the insight that resistance – such as irritation, activing in a disruptive manner, indifference, or withdrawal – is a self-protective measure. Parents, teachers, coaches, and therapists can honor teens’ resistance, acknowledge that it’s normal and helping teens find other ways to feel safe. Shetler shared a conversation that she started by saying, “You don’t seem like yourself today. I wonder what’s happening.” Asking questions, instead of making accusations.

Self-compassion for caregivers

“Compassion fatigue does not exist,” declared Roshi Joan Halifax, PhD in “G.R.A.C.E.: A Revolutionary Method for Benefiting Others Without Burning Out.” Her research revolves around “edge states,” the shadow side to prosocial qualities. For example, the other side of altruism is pathological altruism, when selfless acts can harm the person or people you serve; and the other side of engagement is burnout, when you can feel exhausted, demoralized, or ineffective.

She shared the G.R.A.C.E. Method, an active and adaptive process of compassion. Gather your attention, letting go of distractions. Recall your intention, why you’re here. Attune to yourself and others. Consider what is really going on in the present moment. Engage, taking compassionate action and End, letting go of the encounter.

You don’t have to be a therapist to practice compassion and self-compassion. If anything resonates with you, I encourage you to read more about mindfulness and compassion practices.

Is there an area in your life that you would like to feel more self-compassionate about? Is there a person you would like to feel more compassionate towards?

Planting a simpler and more fair tax tree

Every now and then, I challenge us to think about the way our tax system works. Originally published in 2010 as “We’re growing the wrong tax tree,” I invite you to consider that our tax system is upside-down – and how we might plant a simpler and more fair tax tree.

After a lot stress, we mailed our federal tax returns. I am always struck by how complicated our tax code is, both at the Federal and State levels. Our tax codes desperately need to be simplified.

According to the IRS, “The estimated average time burden for all taxpayers filing a Form 1040 or 1040-SR is 13 hours, with an average cost of $240 per return.” Looking a little more closely, “nonbusiness taxpayers are expected to have an average burden of about 9 hours and $160, while business taxpayers are expected to have an average burden of about 22 hours and $470.”

(I think this number understates the anxiety of understanding and preparing tax forms.)

Beyond its complexity, and the irony of paying money to calculate how much money we owe the government, the foundation of the tax code seems flawed to me.

Our current tax system is like an overgrown banyan tree, with roots extending down and spreading over the whole economy. Banyan trees are beautiful and complex and have a lot of historical and spiritual meaning, but it’s not what we need in a tax system.

The federal government, which is funded by every taxpayer in the United States, has the highest income tax rates – up to 37%.

The state government, which is funded by residents and part-time residents, has income tax rates of up to 11% in Hawai’i (only California has a higher tax bracket of 13.3% in 2021).

(To be fair, state governments have other sources of revenue, such as sales taxes (or general excise taxes in Hawai’i), property taxes, transient accommodations taxes, gasoline taxes, and permit/usage fees.

But state governments must also comply with and fund federal regulations and mandates, which may or may not be funded by the federal government.)

With its broad tax base, the federal government doesn’t spend all of that income tax revenue, so it ends up apportioning it back to state governments as mandatory spending, discretionary spending, and supplementary spending.

Or it ends up duplicating programs that already exist at the state level, programs that are designed and revised according to the needs of the individual states.

I think that we are growing the wrong tax tree.

Instead of a banyan tree, it makes more sense to have a tax system like a strong pine tree, with a slender trunk and a wide canopy.

With a tax system like a pine tree, the federal government (the tree trunk), which has national responsibilities and a larger tax base, would have lower income tax rates. The states (the crown of the tree), which directly care for citizens but have smaller tax bases, would have higher income tax rates and rely less on federal funding.

With a tax system like a pine tree, taxes would increase as we get closer to home, and closer to the local governments that know our needs best.

How much time would you estimate that you spend on tax preparation? How would you improve our tax system? What changes could we make to simplify the tax code in Hawai’i or and the federal level?

Invest in our planet this Earth Day

Before, my neighborhood park was a little worn down. The grass was patchy, some of the plants and trees were thinning.

After the stay-at-home order, the park is flourishing. The plants are growing abundantly and the trees are healthy. Walking down the shaded sidewalk into the park, I was surprised by how the ti leaves and monstera plants thrived.

The pandemic was a respite for our planet, reducing our footprint on Hawai’i. We walked more, drove less, cooked more, consumed less. It was Earth Day for almost two years.

Earth Day 2022 is focused on Investing in our Planet. It challenges individuals, businesses, and governments to take action to prevent climate change, declaring that we have a collective responsibility to our planet and to creating an equitable, prosperous green economy.

As individuals, we can change our lifestyles to consume less, reuse and recycle more, buy local, and hold businesses and governments accountable.

As businesses, we can drive green innovation in the way we create, package, ship, and dispose of our products.

As people working for governments, we can make it easier for individuals and businesses to create green businesses and practices, and support a greener and more fair economy.

Here are a few Earth Day events in Hawai’i:

Saturday, April 23, 9 am – 11 am: 3Rs School Recycling Drive at Waialua High & Intermediate School. Recycle your HI-5 cans & bottles, computers & electronics, scrap metal, household cooking oil, clothing, household goods and more. Note: furniture, building materials, tools, appliances and cabinets will not be collected.

Saturday, April 23, 9 am – 3 pm: Waimea Valley Hānai ʻĀina Conservation Workdays – Forest Restoration. Volunteers ages 12 and up are needed to help with forest restoration, by hiking to various target locations in the valley to remove invasive species and restore habitats. RSVP to volunteers@waimeavalley.net.

Sunday, April 24, 2022, 9 am – 3 pm: Sustainable Coastlines Earth Day Cleanup Festival in Waimānalo. After the beach cleanup, enjoy a day in the park with music, educational booths, sustainability workshops, and more. Bring a reusable water bottle, reef safe sun block, a hat, snacks, and lunch (plastic-free). Cleaning supplies and bus transportation will be provided. Pre-registration is encouraged.

What do you do now to invest in our planet? What more can you do to create a greener and more fair economy? Share your commitment in the comments below.

“Cues” by Vanessa Van Edwards

How can I present my ideas to people who are reluctant to try something new? How can I hold my ground when talking with people who are more experienced than I am?

These were the key questions circling in my head. Vanessa Van Edwards proposes a simple goal of conversation: that when we talk to people, our first thoughts are, Can I trust you? and Can I rely on you?

In “Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication” (2022), Van Edwards starts with two high-stakes situations: a pitch for funding and a pediatric doctor’s appointment. We may not be in those exact situations, but we may need to ask for a raise, negotiate a price, or convince someone to buy from us.

In the first situation, a “Shark Tank” presenter with a good idea failed to get funding because he seemed to lack confidence in the product, despite having strong sales numbers. “A strong idea cannot stand alone. It needs to be accompanied by strong cues,” Van Edwards advises.

In the second situation, a family doctor greeted the child, crouched down to the child’s level, and listened. The doctor used nonverbal cues, warmth cues, and vocal cues to build trust and confidence with both child and parents.

This blend of warmth and competence is the secret to charisma.

Van Edwards shares tips and techniques to help show that we are interested, engaged, trustworthy, and competent, using our body language and voice. Her engaging writing style kept me interested and wanting to learn more.

To show that we are interested and engaged, use warmth cues: lean in, with an open body posture, facing forward to the other person, and make eye contact. We might tilt our head to show our curiosity, nod in encouragement, or raise our eyebrows to show our excitement.

To inspire confidence, use power cues: relax our shoulders, plant our feet, and relax our hands. We might steeple our fingers to show that we are thinking or use explanatory gestures (but don’t point at others!). Think of the Superman and Wonder Woman poses we see in the movies.

For me, video conferencing has been a big help in building confidence. Keeping my shoulders straight and relaxed helps the rest of me relax, too, even if my hands are shaking off-camera. And it’s easier to focus on the other person when I can just focus on their face and voice.

We also need to be on the lookout for danger cues, when someone feels nervous or uncomfortable. If we notice a cluster of three danger cues, such as distancing (leaning back or stepping away), self-comfort (wringing hands or rubbing), or blocking (crossed arms or hugging themselves), we need to make other people feel safe again.

And don’t forget the power of our voice. Two of the most helpful vocal power tips are to end sentences on a level note (avoid the upraised question inflection) and to pause instead of using verbal fillers (like “um” and “uh”).

It may feel fake at first, especially with the spreadsheet of cues, but practice and paying attention to our body and voice will make it feel more natural. In fact, Van Edwards suggests that role-playing or pretending that you are your role model can help you feel more confident and assured.

One of the most memorable cues I learned is the savor smile, a smile that spreads slowly across our faces. I’ll start looking for it when I talk with other people!

What does your body language and voice say about you? How do you overcome nervousness or discomfort in personal and work conversations?