Further reflections on single motherhood and families

Reflecting further about single motherhood and families… the idea of the American nuclear family (two parents and one or more children) and the concept of single motherhood don’t reflect reality in Hawaii.

My grandfather was raised by a single mother and her parents. My aunt and grandparents helped to raise me. Yet “parents” usually refers to a mother and father.

The way that Americans perceive “family” is changing, and yet American culture, the legal system, and tax systems have not changed.

“Building Bridges, Not Walking on Backs: A Feminist Economic Recovery Plan for COVID-19,” by the Hawaii State Commission on the Status of Women offers recommendations for addressing the structural inequities that affect women and single mothers, such as raising the minimum wage to a living wage ($24.80/hour for single mothers) and paid sick days and paid family leave.

What are other ways that we can support societal changes to our perception of single motherhood and families? One answer is hānai.

Hānai. To raise, rear, feed, nourish, sustain; provider, caretaker.
Keiki hānai, foster child. Makua hānai, foster parent.  
(Ulukai Hawaiian Dictionary)

From birth, American citizens are issued birth certificates listing a birth mother and birth father. A new, gender-neutral section could be added for hānai parents, foster parents, guardians, and caretakers. Other government forms and legal documents, such as healthcare forms and school enrollment forms, could also include hānai parents.

Hānai would affect everyday situations like who can make healthcare decisions for children, who has hospital visitation rights, and who can pick children up from school.

In schools, curriculum, and textbooks, there could be greater acknowledgement of hānai parents. For example, genealogy projects and family histories could be expanded to include a child’s relatives and close family friends. Book recommendations could include stories in which single mothers and fathers, blended families and non-nuclear families are normal.

Hānai would recognize the important caretaker influences in a child’s life, and help reduce any shame or discomfort about coming from a non-nuclear family.

Maybe we can follow Hawaiian tradition and introduce ourselves with not just our name and where we grew up, but also the extended ‘ohana that shaped us, and continue to shape us.

What does hānai mean to you? Who is a hānai child or parent in your life? Could Hawaii become a role model by adopting hānai into the legal and tax system?

Single motherhood and families

Single motherhood is a social construct – and a recent one. Like the concept of the “nuclear family,” it’s a construct that exists because society and government agree that it exists.

This really stood out for me, as I listened to a presentation by Khara Jabola-Carolus, Executive Director of the Hawaii State Commission on the Status of Women.

The American nuclear family (two parents and one or more children) is not, and perhaps should not, be the “standard” or “normal” family unit.

In ancient Hawaii, single motherhood would have been unusual, if not improbable, according to Hawaiian cultural historian Adam Manalo Camp. Children were raised in a hānai family by grandparents, relatives, or close friends, while still maintaining ties with their birth parents.

In my own upbringing, I was raised by my father, my aunt, and paternal grandparents. My father had “legal custody,” but all the adults in the house and my mother helped to raise me.

And today, more families are becoming blended families, with step-children, adopted children, and foster children.

The way that Americans perceive “family” is changing, and yet American culture, the legal system, and tax systems have not changed. Jabola-Carolus shared some surprising numbers: 38% of babies are now born to unmarried women, compared to 28% in 1990.

Single mother households comprise 19% of Hawaii households (compared to 7% of single father households). Yet 80% of single mothers in Hawaii cannot afford a barebones household budget; and 87% reported that they lost access to basic needs due to COVID-19.

Single mothers often bear the greatest burden of caregiving, both for children and elderly parents; employment; and financial insecurity. They are more vulnerable than single fathers to discrimination (the stigma of single motherhood), job loss, gender-based violence, and even sexual exploitation.

This significantly affects single mothers’ mental health. And, as Jabola-Carolus pointed out, there are still huge gaps in mental health care.

How do you define family? Are you or someone you know a single mother? How can we address the challenges and barriers facing single mothers?

Poetry: A Gold Sail

A Gold Sail
by RLC

A gold sail gilded a darkling sea
Roaming the stars blessed with majesty
Never in harbor, never to die
But ever alone in a lonely sky.

A white swan searched through eternity
Seeking the love shown in prophecy
Never to anger, nor out loud cry
But ever alone with a lonely lie.

A bronze mare wandered, endlessly free
Racing the sun and the moon to the sea
Never to falter, never to shy
But ever alone without wings to fly.

“I’ve Been Thinking” by Maria Shriver

“It’s our life’s work to figure out who we are, what we think, what our gifts are, and how we can make a difference in this world.”

I’ve been thinking a lot more about my purpose in recent years. I think a many of us are thinking about our lives in new ways.

Author and journalist Maria Shriver shares a collection of essays in her book, “I’ve Been Thinking… Reflections, Prayers, and Meditations for a Meaningful Life” (2018).

Evolving from her weekly column in “The Sunday Paper” called “I’ve Been Thinking,” she hopes “to get you to think about what constitutes a meaningful life for you.”

Shriver is honest about her struggles, optimistic, and respectful, and shares long-held beliefs she has re-evaluated.

Here are 3 reflections that spoke to me in the moment:

I am who I choose to become. Live in the present, not your past self (regrets) or future self (worries). Today, start where you are.

This reflection reminds me to live and work with good intentions, to the best of my ability.

The power of positive thinking. “Learn how to rest your mind with meditation, how to ignite it with writing, reading, being inspired by another person’s story – how to grab it with brain exercises and learning anything new – how to turn it around, so it works on your behalf. Teach your mind to say positive things to you – about why you’re here and how wonderful you are.”

This reflection reminds me that we can control how we react to the challenges and opportunities we face.

Why we should stop trying to “go it alone.” “Like many people, asking for help puts me outside my comfort zone. It makes me feel vulnerable. I like to do the helping, not the asking… The fact is that asking for help requires strength.”

This reflection reminds me that sometimes we need help, and sometimes we are in a position to help others.

What makes your life feel meaningful? What is your purpose?

The mind of a sixth grader, part 2

When my son was younger (and listened to me more), I would ask him fun, conversation-starter questions, and he would answer them in a Google document. I was feeling a little nostalgic and read through some of his musings.

Here’s another glimpse into the mind of a sixth grader:

Today is the last day of summer school and I am not amused. We started off the morning by going to music class and practice our instrument and play our music notes. I think it sounded better than yesterday and other days. We are still the worst period to practice. The rest of the day was alright but I didn’t enjoy math class at all! Cough *not surprised* cough  

~~~

Compile a list of inanimate or animate objects to which you might compare yourself metaphorically.  (I am a windmill.  I change direction or my thoughts whenever someone talks to me…)
1. I am Siri. I am smart and knowledgeable.
2. I am a calculator. I am good at mental math.
3. I am a pen. I am a good writer and I can write many books.
4. I am a piece of paper. I am good at adapting to new things but my weakness is being under pressure.
5. I am a school. I like doing work, but not with my family, but I do enjoy learning.
6. I am Google. I am very unique and different from other people but not a weirdo or dumb.
7. I am like water. I am very emotional about things and cry just about the slightest things. I am constantly being switched and swashed around.

~~~

Begin a list of questions that you’d like to have answered. They may be about the future or the past.
1. Did Amelia Earhart survive after her plane crash across the Pacific Ocean?
2. [If] heaven and hell [were] real, wouldn’t there be a middle? What if you are someone who doesn’t help others and does nothing. Nothing good, nothing bad?
3. Who thought of all the school subjects such as math, did many different people think of this?
4. How were humans born?
5. Is god real?
6. Is the first person in the world Lucy, or do we not know?
7. Are there any more life forms in the galaxy or outside of our solar systems? If so, are they friendly and how do they compare and contrast with us?

~~~

Did your mom or dad ever make you wear something you hated?
EVERY time I am required to go to a special event or performance I am forced to wear long khaki pants. First of all, I don’t like Long and Pants and I also don’t think that the color khaki doesn’t match for most colors such as blue. I hate wearing it because it just doesn’t match with me and once Dad and I argued all morning about if I should wear it or not.

~~~

What would you do if you woke up one morning to find yourself invisible?
The first thing I would do is… go downstairs and eat breakfast and try going back to sleep. I would also try communicating with Mom and Dad and explain to them what happened. If that doesn’t work, I would change my clothes and paint my skin some type of paint color. I would go to school first of all. This is so I can at least see how this change works and if I can reverse the effects. If I was invisible forever, I would try to use this ability for good and crime fighting.

Are you keeping a journal during these uncertain times? What do you remember most about sixth grade?