Poetry: Cliff and Shore

Cliff and Shore
By RLC

It seems as if I have been here before,
Caught between cliff and surging shore.
I stand on the sands that sink with each wave;
I don’t feel brave.

Cliffs loom above me, vibrant and sheer,
Patient and wise, too vast for fear;
Below the seas rage, frothing and wet:
I cry with regret.

Above me the air is murky and still;
I gasp for breath but can’t breathe my fill.
I wait on the sands and just want to forget —
I can’t forget yet.

Meanwhile the cliffs are unmoved by the shore,
And the seas fling themselves with a breathy roar.
Weary and worn I stand on the sands,
Buffeted by demands.

I lose my balance, tumble and fall.
I rise again. I shiver and call
To the winds that are rock and the skies that wept
I take a first step.

Muliwai: Transforming uncertainty into opportunity

If you’re following “Better Hawai’i,” you may know that I work for a nonprofit mental health counseling center in Hawai’i.

A few years before I joined the nonprofit, we almost closed down. We got through those times with the help of committed board members and staff. I came to the organization with leaders who had lived through those tough times.

While we are in a much better place now, in some ways I am still living with that mindset of uncertainty and scarcity.

This time the uncertainty is more positive, as we are transforming from a small, reactionary organization to a more stable, forward-looking organization.

So I was especially interested in attending HANOCON, the annual conference of the Hawai’i Alliance of Nonprofit Organizations (HANO). This year’s theme was appropriate: “Wading Through the Muliwai.”

“Muliwai is the biodiverse brackish water area between the stream and the sea – a significant and necessary space that acts as both a natural filter and a place where fish and other organisms grow.”

I started the conference a little afraid of where I am, of being stuck in the muliwai. This in-between space made me feel stressed and anxious. I worried that if I didn’t do the right things, we would fall back into unsettled times. I thought that if I could just work harder, we could get through to the other side.

“It is a magical place full of transformation, set in the most unassuming of places.”

I saw only the ambiguity, not the potential.

“The muliwai mirrors our world today. It exists as a space of both great uncertainty and great potential…”

HANOCON reminded me that this could be a time for reflection and pause instead, where I can consider our choices and opportunities. The muliwai is a space for change and opportunity, reflection and pause.

I think of times in my life when I have been unable to move forward until I could make a decision. At those times, there were many choices before me, many paths I could take. And as I made decisions, some paths closed, and new paths opened.

Are you in a muliwai in your life? Can you remember times when you have been in a muliwai and have changed the direction of your life or career? How do you react to uncertainty?

Building on positive childhood experiences

Our childhood experiences shape who we are as adults.

I remember playing jacks with my grandmother on the kitchen floor. My parents tell me that sometimes my grandmother would come home late at night after working at Kam Bowl, and find me wide awake and ready to play. So she would sit with me and play jacks, even though she was tired and I had to go to school the next day.

There has been a lot of research and talk about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), and how traumatic experiences in childhood can affect us later in life. The 10 ACEs questions ask about things like verbal or physical abuse, emotional support, enough food to eat, and a safe place to live.

There’s a different way to look at childhood experiences. I recently listened in on “Hawai’i Introduction to HOPE: Healthy Outcomes from Positive Experiences” with Amanda Winn and Amy Myrick. I learned that we can focus on the Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs) that can help create healthy, thriving adults.

HOPE starts with a presumption of strength. The 7 PCEs questions ask about things like feeling able to talk about feelings, feeling supported, and feeling a sense of belonging.

I grew up with my dad, aunt, and grandparents. I was the only child and only grandchild in my family, no first cousins, and I was the focus of a lot of attention. If one person was upset with me, I knew there was another adult who would stand up for me.

There are four building blocks of HOPE:

• Relationships within the family, other children, and the community. You can connect with the children around you, doing activities together, sharing meals, talking about childhood memories, and asking questions – and paying attention when children talk.
• Safe, equitable, nurturing environments. You can make sure that homes, schools, and parks are safe spaces for all students. Address bullying and teasing quickly, and make people feel included and welcome.
• Social and civic engagement. You can encourage children to participate in community activities, volunteer together, and create a family service project.
• Emotional growth through self-awareness and self-regulation. You can help children name and validate their feelings, let them know that their emotions are normal, and help them learn to manage difficult situations, such as teaching them meditation or mindfulness.

I didn’t have a lot of friends at school, but I had a core group – just one or two people who I felt close to. They were a lifeline for me.

This is how we build community resilience. These positive childhood experiences promote healthy outcomes, protect against adverse experiences, and help to heal from adverse experiences.

I really appreciate this way of looking back on our childhood. It’s not that we want to ignore the adverse experiences in our lives, but that we choose to build on the positive experiences. “People can heal, even after past trauma.”

Parents and kids, you can download a free activity book with word searches, coloring pages, and other fun projects that you can do together and create positive memories.

As a child, did you have people you could turn to when things were hard? Today, do you reach out for help when you need it? How do your nurture the children in your life?

Nurturing self-esteem

“I don’t think I can do that. I’ve never done something like that before.”

That’s what was going through my mind four years ago when our president asked me to take on more responsibility.

If I had seen the job posting for the position, I would not have even thought about applying. I only accepted the position because they agreed to put “interim” in the title. I felt like an “imposter” who was wearing a shirt that was too big for me.

In fact, the first time that I felt like a “real” executive director was months later, when I attended a conference with other executive directors. Most of them had more experience than me and oversaw larger organizations, but they were facing many of the same challenges and opportunities.

Why was it so hard for me to believe that I could do the job?

This experience was running through my mind as I attended a workshop with Clara Priester, “Building and Nurturing Self-Esteem.”

“What is self-esteem?” we asked ourselves. Our common answers were about valuing ourselves and feeling confident in ourselves. We are all inherently worthy, as beings capable of love and being loved, Clara declared.

“Be quiet.” “You can’t do that.” “You’re not good at that.” Often the words we hear when we are children become a self-fulfilling prophecy as we grow up, until we start telling those words to ourselves.

We spent time building up our self-esteem. We wrote down the traits we are proud of about ourselves – my traits are being thankful and seeing the good in people. And we celebrated compliments that make us feel awesome – for me, it was compliments about creativity and helping others and being a good mother.

Then we read aloud some of the negative phrases that hurt us and hold us back. Number two on the list: “I can’t do that.”

Here’s what to say instead: “I can try to do that.”

PS It’s a lot friendlier than the two phrases that changed my mind: “Say yes” and “Do hard things.”

Clara also talked a little about daily affirmations, positive words for something you would like to change or nurture in your life.

I have been doing this Morning Mantra for a few years now, and for me it’s a breath of calm:

I open myself to the world.

I share myself with the world.

I welcome good health.

Is there a negative phrase that holds you back from job opportunities, relationships, or hobbies? What affirmation can you start today to change your thinking?