“You Are Not Alone” by Ken Duckworth

Last year, I was excited to attend NAMI Hawaii’s Annual Celebration and Book Event, and listened to Ken Duckworth, MD talk about the National Alliance on Mental Illness’ first book, “You Are Not Alone: The NAMI Guide to Navigating Mental Health – With Advice from Experts and Wisdom from Real People and Families” (2021).

This book was written “so that everyday people can live well with mental illness.” It includes 130 interviews with “lived experience experts” who share their personal stories with honesty and vulnerability. There are also 35 frequently-asked questions answered by experts.

I was touched by the book’s connection to Hawaii. Dr. Duckworth joked that “You Are Not Alone” started and ended with Hawaii. Kumi Macdonald, executive director of NAMI Hawaii, was the first person he interviewed, and Hawaii was the last city on their book tour.

Three insights really stuck with me after reading the book:

First, “All people experience mental and emotional pain.” If we pay attention and listen, we will find out that we are not alone in our pain. Getting help earlier can improve outcomes, such as getting a mental health screening, talking with a trusted individual, and just being gentle on yourself.

Second, “People are not their illness.” A diagnosis can be a powerful tool in supporting recovery, but it does not define someone. We can treat the symptoms of mental illness (the medical model) and we also need to build strengths and supports (the recovery model).

To build coping skills in children, Dr. Duckworth shares practical, actionable advice, such as martial arts for impulse control, creative arts for self-expression, exercise to relieve anxiety, and sports to build belonging and confidence.

And third, “Recovery involves building a life, discovering one’s strengths, finding a purpose, and being connected to a supportive community that can sustain you despite the symptoms you experience.”

There are some common themes of recovery:

• Acceptance. Accepting the reality of a mental health condition and letting go of the idea of who you are.
• Journey Orientation. Accepting that who you are is an ongoing process
• Self-determination. Deciding on your self-recovery goals.
• Developing belief in oneself. Learning to trust yourself again.
• Faith/Spirituality. Believing in something bigger than yourself.
• Inward/Outward. Looking inward to be present and looking outward for community and purpose.

“You can learn from what helps someone else and, at the same time, acknowledge that one person’s experience is not everyone’s experience.”

The more we share our stories, the more we realize that we are not alone.

Are you in mental or emotional pain right now? If you listen carefully, does someone you know need support that you can provide?

There are no broken families

When I was young, I wished that my parents were still together. Divorce was less common then, and I didn’t understand why they couldn’t be together.

In Hawai’i, 27% of families with children are single-parent families. (U.S. Census Bureau’s American Community Survey (ACS), 2017-2021).

Why does this matter? The Annie E. Casey Foundation says, “Single-parent families are more likely to experience economic hardship and have less time to supervise their children compared to two-parent families.”

My childhood was rich with people who loved me and cared for me. I was raised by my aunt, my father, and my grandparents, and I saw my mother on weekends. As an only child, I received all of their attention, and there was always someone I could turn to.

And yet, growing up in the US, I internalized that two-parent households were normal and the ideal. A mother and a father. Single-parent families, or joint-custody families, were somehow fractured, abnormal, inferior.

There are no broken families, Yolanda Pierce fiercely declares, where “mutual love and compassion are the foundation.” Her words resonate with me.

In Hawai‘i, 17% of grandparents living with at least one minor-aged grandchild are their grandchild’s primary caregiver, according to Grandparent Caregivers in Hawaii.

Why does this matter? Multigenerational households are a common way for families “to avoid economic distress in a state where the cost of living and housing costs are exceptionally high.”

I grew up in a multi-generational home in Hawai’i. We weren’t wealthy, but we owned our own home, inherited from my great-grandparents. With four working adults and one child, we were financially stable.

In her memoir, “In My Grandmother’s House: Black Women, Faith, and the Stories We Inherit” (2021), Yolanda Pierce shares, “I thought about all the happy and healthy families I knew, including my own small family of two. The one thing they had in common was they looked like love in action.”

“That was the common trait present in the rich diversity of all different kinds of healthy families, of all shapes and sizes: love expressed through how each person treated others.”

Where there is love, your family is not broken.

Your family is whole.

Connected by love, your family is whole.

Who are your family? What relationships do you treasure?

Lessons from summer jobs

My 16-year old son started his first summer job last week. He applied as a part-time shift worker at a fast-food chain restaurant, working up to 20 hours per week. I was proud to help him put on his nametag for the first time and watch him walk to work in his new uniform.

My first summer job was also working at a fast-food chain restaurant. I remember walking about a mile to work in the morning (I miss that youthful energy).

In general, working conditions seem more efficient. His job application and employment paperwork were completed online and he finds out his schedule by email.

I’m dating myself, but when I first started working, everything was still done with paper and telephone calls, and probably a spreadsheet on paper to assign shifts.

He works in an open-air, well-lit, newly-renovated environment with a lot of people. The restaurant uses tablets for ordering and everything is separated into specialized stations – from ordering on tablets (iPOS) and food preparation to food packing and food serving.

My restaurant was open-air too, hot during the summer and noisy from street traffic. I think there were two main stations: food preparation and the cashiers, who took orders, bagged food, and made drinks.

Arriving early to pick him up, I sat at a table in the food court and alternated between looking at my phone and watching him at work. I noticed that everyone keeps busy and moves quickly, even during a lull in orders. I noticed that the food servers make eye contact and smile when they give people their food and drinks.

I was nervous and inexperienced, but everyone was really friendly. I started to understand how important it is to show up – and on time – because if someone didn’t come for their shift, there was more work for everyone. I learned to be patient when people were ordering, because they sometimes didn’t know what they wanted or asked for a custom order.

I hope I’m not spilling a secret, but my son told me that if the swirls on a cone are not quite right, and the restaurant is not busy, they can give it away to a customer, usually to a child. I think that level of trust and courtesy is empowering – and makes the restaurant look good!

Though we were a fast-food restaurant and not a coffee shop, a hostess refilled coffee for kupuna in the mornings. She cheerfully walked through the dining area, talking with people and making people feel welcome. This act of hospitality made us feel like a community and reminded me to be more courteous when I was talking with customers.

My son hasn’t received his first paycheck yet, but he’ll have earned it! And as a parent, it’s one more step to trusting that everything will be okay after graduation.

What was your first part-time job? What lessons did you learn?

Looking back on eleventh grade

Another school year has passed by so quickly, and my son finished eleventh grade. In this third year of high school, when the COVID-19 “emergency order” has ended, he seems comfortable with high school and even more challenged by his classes.

More than ever, eleventh grade marks “young adulthood” – when teens are taking on more responsibility and starting to think about their future.

Here are some reflections about our eleventh grade experience:

Realizing the importance of sleep (and that you can’t “catch up” on sleep later). It seemed that he needed more sleep than he did in middle school, staying up later and taking more naps. Teenagers need 8-10 hours of sleep, according to the CDC. It was challenging to find a balance between getting enough sleep and doing homework and studying. When he takes naps, he’s trying to set timers so that his sleep is intentional, rather than accidental.

Considering how to make thoughtful choices (or, what seemed like a good idea at the time, may not be as useful in the long-run). At the time, his class selections were interesting and challenging. In hindsight, he could have chosen classesthat would strengthen his interests and be helpful to his future career. For example, unless you’re interested in biology or the healthcare field, Advanced Placement Biology might not be practical. Perhaps he could have taken a less challenging biology course, and a more challenging class in another subject.

Taking responsibility (and learning that people work differently). Eleventh grade students were required to help with the school carnival, learning lessons about responsibility, hard work, and customer service. He learned that people have different levels of job engagement and initiative. He followed-through on his commitments and stepped up to take shifts when they were understaffed.

Considering an undergraduate future (and thinking about his strengths and interests). Each high school junior got a jump-start in college counseling. He researched colleges and universities that he might be interested in attended. We attended a college fair (in stormy weather!) to talk to admissions representatives. And we met with his college counselor to talk about the recommended next steps during the summer and fall.

Gaining work experience (and considering possible careers). In addition to an online portfolio of work, he created his first resume. By the end of the school year, he applied for, interviewed for, and accepting a part-time job. We advised him to take a job with good training and a good work environment. He learned about Hawaii’s prepaid health care law and why some businesses hire more part-time workers.

What do you remember most about eleventh grade? Do you think it’s easier or harder to be a high school student today?