The gift of women’s friendships

September is International Women’s Friendship Month. Friendship has been more on my mind since the pandemic… the friendships we have at different places and times in our lives.

Friendships not only prevent loneliness, they also increase our sense of belonging and purpose, help reduce stress, and improve our self-confidence, as Dan Brennan, MD reminds us in “Psychological Benefits of Friendship.”

I am blessed with some positive and encouraging friendships that support me, keep me going, and help me grow.

One of my best friends is a woman I’ve knowns since grade school. We don’t see each other too often, but when we get together, it feels like we haven’t been apart.

Most of my friendships are because of shared spaces. We went to school together, work together, or have the same interests.

Some of my co-workers turned into friends. We would go out to lunch and dinner, movies and shows, travel together, even do creative projects together.

Sometimes changing schools, switching jobs or moving to different cities changes our relationships. We don’t get together as often, or sometimes not at all.

And that’s okay. It’s okay to let friendships change over time, because the memory of their friendship remains with me.

My aunt has a close female friend whose friendship has changed. They don’t do as many things together, but they still talk on the phone and provide a steadfastness and sense of permanence in each other’s lives.

“True long-lasting friendship means accepting where each of you are at all life stages, and choosing to evolve differently, but together,” writes Brandy Joy Smith in “Female Friendships? It May Not Be What You Think.”

Kappa Delta Sorority shares some fantastic ideas to celebrate women’s friendship. For example, you could plan a girl’s night out with dinner and a movie, go on a hike together, write a kind note to a female professor who inspired you.

I don’t have any brothers or sisters, but I imagine that my female friends are like the sisters I choose.

What friendships do you nurture? How do you stay connected with your friends?

“Decolonizing Wealth” by Edgar Villanueva

“What ails philanthropy at its core is colonialism,” Edgar Villanueva declares in “Decolonizing Wealth: Indigenous Wisdom to Heal Divides and Restore Balance” (2021).

“In order to heal what hurts, to come back together as one human race, and to restore balance to the land, we need to decolonize wealth.” We need to acknowledge that generational wealth, passed down through families, was often directly created from the suffering or exploitation of others.

Money is a medicine that can heal illnesses and restore harmony, not just for those who suffered or were exploited, but for those who benefited from that wealth.

Villanueva talks about the indigenous Native American worldview, so similar to the Native Hawaiian worldview: that people belong to the land and people co-exist and care for the land. People are connected with nature, people take only what they need with appreciation, and people replenish the resources they have taken.

This is distinct from a colonial worldview in which the land belongs to people and people are separate from the universe. With this mindset, people consume natural goods and resources, people control other people, and people re-write history to legitimize their actions.

What is our responsibility for any wealth that we inherit, if the wealth was created through injustice?

This was an eye-opening idea for me. I grew up with my grandmother’s generosity to churches and missionaries, the weekly offering, and the expectation that we have a responsibility to help those in need. But we also didn’t really talk about money, or generating wealth. We only talked about saving money with specific goals in mind, such as a vacation or college.

Now I work at a nonprofit organization, a community-based organization, and I’m struggling to balance what I learned about money, how money enables the work I do, and how money can heal not just the individual, but society.

Because sometimes the foundations who are funding nonprofit organizations have accumulated that wealth through injustice.

Villanueva shares 7 steps to healing:

1. Grieve. Grieve for the loss and suffering of those who were colonized and those who were colonizers. It may help to reframe colonizers/settlers as orphans and cultivate empathy for them, acknowledging the profound longing for connection, purpose, and ancestry.

2. Apologize. Acknowledge responsibility and wrong-doing.

3. Listen. Be able to adopt the mindset of a person with a different background than ours. Be empathetic and truly invite in and make space for the feelings and wisdom of the speakers.

4. Relate. Prioritize relationships with authenticity and vulnerability. Instead of asking, “How can everyone have equal power?” ask, “How can everyone be powerful?”

5. Represent. Go beyond representation to “sharing ownership and full inclusion.” We need decision-makers who have lived inside a community and experienced their issues.

6. Invest. Those with wealth should invest critically in assets that are 100% transparent and aligned with the mission; and divest unethical holdings.

7. Repair. Correct current, not just past, injustices. For example, a portion of wealth can be used to create opportunities for new generations.

Money is not the only medicine. Villanueva shares many ideas for direct action, such as nonviolent direct action (the Maunakea TMT protests); using fame to advocate for racial injustice, voting, and other issues; returning sacred art, objects, and human remains (Iwi kūpuna repatriations); and modeling values within organizations.

“Becoming reconnected – overcoming the mindset of separation – is how humans heal from trauma,” Villanueva states.

Who are the decision-makers at your organization? Do you shift between “indigenous” and “colonial” cultures at home and work? How does your organization and family earn their wealth?

Traveling in body, journeying in mind

There is something rejuvenating about traveling to attend a conference, especially when coming from Hawai’i.

It was my first trip away from the islands since the COVID-19 pandemic, and I was nervous about traveling. I was unused to going through security (nothing has changed there), but pleasantly surprised by how easy it was to check-in the day before and then use an App as a boarding pass.

Over five hours on the airplane away from Hawai’i gave me time to anticipate the conference, the people I might meet again, and the places I might see. I already planned a trip to Trader Joe’s and had room in my carry-on luggage for my favorite cookies!

For my peace of mind, I wore a face mask throughout the flight and for most of the Conference, except when eating and drinking. Most people didn’t wear a face mask, and I had to be okay with their decision.

Then over five more hours on the airplane on the way home gives me time to decompress, think about what I learned, and process new ideas and plans.

The Solihten Institute Annual Conference was specific to mental health, with a focus on spirituality and wellness. However, there are some topics that offer questions and insight for businesses and community-based organizations.

Here are three questions from the conference that continue to fill my thoughts:

* What is our responsibility to help communities heal? Most organizations are focused on meeting the needs of customers, patients, or members. Some organizations giving back to the communities that they are a part of, through volunteer days, charitable donations, matching gifts, or grants. Are there ways that organizations can help communities heal a divide?

* Do I have a relationship that need healing? We all have personal and work conflicts. Especially at work, it’s easy to ignore the personal and just focus what needs to be done. We try to separate the personal from the professional. It’s important to heal those relationships, not just ignore them in order to get along.

* Are we doing the right things? At our organization, we focus on our mission, our core competency that is the reason we were founded. I believe we are still meeting a need, but is there more that we can and should do? And if we are already doing the right things, choosing not to change may be the right choice.

There are no easy answers, but I feel that I am asking the right questions for right now.

Not everyone can travel for work, and I really appreciate the opportunity to meet with other people in our industry who are facing the same opportunities and challenges.

Have you ever attended a conference for work? If so, what insights or new energy have you gained from conferences?

Doodling to explore your feelings

I work for a nonprofit mental health counseling center, and we host a free mental health education series called “Creative Coping.” Our intent was to use poetry and art to help people express their feelings, reflect on their lives, and give people a positive outlet for stress and anxiety.

A few weeks ago, we hosted “Creative Coping: Drawing” with Nidhi Chabora, APRN-Rx, BC and Nancy Jo Moses, BS, MA of Self Discovery Through Art. I was interested to find out what art could help teach me about myself or my emotions.

What I want to share is a simple exercise they did at the beginning and the end of the webinar. It was quick, easy, and low-pressure, and it was a great conversion-starter.

Note: Any mistakes or misunderstandings are my own and not the responsibility of the speakers.

We started with a “check-in” about our feelings. All you need is a piece of paper and colored pencils. You’re welcome to do the “check-in” exercise right now!

Directions: Using 1-3 colored pencils, draw lines and scribbles on a piece of paper (no recognizable images or shapes). The goal is to show how you feel emotionally (not how you feel physically) at this exact moment in time.

Here’s my “check-in” doodle:

Looking at our doodles, we had to identify our feelings. Excited and sad? Angry? Happy and anxious? Calm and interested?

Identifying how we are feeling can help us understand why we are feeling the way we feel and give us a sense of control to change how we feel. What made us feel that way?

At the end, we did the same exercise as a “check-out” about our feelings.

Here’s my “check-out” doodle:

It was a way to see whether there was any difference in our feelings or how they may have changed after learning or experiencing something new.

Did you do the “check-in” exercise? What are you feeling right now? How would you name your emotions?

PS You can watch the “Creative Coping: Drawing” webinar at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Cruu44heBU.

Celebrating National Coloring Book Day 2022

From the Papahānaumokuākea Coloring Book, colored digitally

Happy National Coloring Book Day! August 2 combines two things that I love – books and art.

Coloring is not just a kids activity. Coloring can help relax your brain and improve brain function, according to a WebMD article, “Adult Coloring Books: 7 Benefits of Coloring.” It can help induce a meditative state, improve motor skills, improve sleep, improve focus, and reduce stress. All great benefits for mental health.

Here are six free Hawai’i-themed coloring pages and booklets for kids and adults:

1. Check out Honolulu Magazine’s collection of free coloring pages at “Local Artists Share 38 Printable Coloring Sheets That Are Fun, Fabulous and Free!” Find inspiration from artists Kim Sielbeck, Lauren Roth, Ashley Kaase, Nicole Ferrara (Nico Made), Amber Thibaut (Coco Moon), Mistee Uyehara (Mistprint), April Hail (Keiki Kaukau) and Phoebe Hwang (Phoebe Like Draw). Remember to tag @HonoluluMag!

2. Honolulu Magazine even has coloring pages for adults at “Free Adult Coloring Pages From Hawai‘i Artists (and Our Magazine!) That You Can Print and Enjoy at Home.” Get creative with illustrations from artists Chris Danger, Ryan Inzana, Christine Labrador, Nicole Namdar, Kim Sielbeck, Lauren Roth, Ashley Kaase, and Heather Brown.

3. Hawaii Dental Service (HDS) has a cheerful “Smile” printable coloring page.

4. Love to Know offers three coloring pages with Aloha, a Hang Ten Cat, and a fun Hawaiian Penguin.

5. Hawai’i artist Patrick Ching is working on a Papahānaumokuākea Coloring Book, part of the Papahānaumokuākea Song and coloring book project. You can download and share the initial coloring book pages. Feel free to share it, print it, sing it, and use it to teach and enjoy.

6. The Hawai’i State Foundation on Culture and the Arts compiled a list of free printable coloring books with coral reefs, sea turtles, whales and plovers from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Hawai’i (NOAA Hawai’i); Hawaiian endangered animals and native forest birds from the State of Hawai’i Department of Land and Natural Resources; and more.

When you’ve completed a coloring page, share your creation! Post it on your refrigerator or a wall. Turn it into a bookcover, card, or invitation. Use it as a journal prompt to write a short story or poem. Add it to a vision board to reflect on what is important in your life.

Do you color? Do you prefer images, patterns, or to make your own coloring pages? If you color, what are your favorite coloring books or themes?