3 mindsets to create a place of safety and wellbeing

A few years ago, a counselor shared an experience with a Micronesian boy, who seemed unhappy about his healthcare provider and resistant to care. The counselor learned that the healthcare provider would pat the boy on the head – a reassuring action in Western culture, but a more threatening action in Micronesian culture. Once he shared this knowledge with the healthcare provider, they stopped the practice, and the boy’s relationship with them improved.

I work for a mental health counseling center, and I was lucky to go to the Solihten Institute Annual Conference earlier this month. It was all about working well, wellbeing, and caring for caregivers.

Michael Torres, MD, a prominent voice in the health care and spiritually integrated sectors, spoke to us about the importance of taking a justice-based approach in healthcare. He believes that we have a responsibility to educate ourselves and each other around belonging, inclusion, diversity, and equity principles.

“We are comprised on three dimensions: mind, spirit, and body,” stated Dr. Torres. “Each dimension has a range of functioning. An imbalance in one dimension affects all other dimensions.”

While acknowledging that it is not our clients’ job to teach us about their needs, he reminded healthcare providers to listen to what clients share about their cultural needs.

Dr. Torres trusted us with his personal experiences and shared 3 mindsets to create a place of safety and wellbeing in healthcare:

1. Be in tune with how we define ourselves culturally. Our experience with healthcare, whether positive or negative, may not be someone’s experience with healthcare.

Dr. Torres stated that African Americans have an intergenerational distrust about the U.S. government and healthcare system, from the under-diagnosis of mental health issues and over-diagnosis of psychosis to illegal experimental.

2. Accept differences in culture without assigning value or worth. What we say and do may have very different means for someone else.

Dr. Torres shared an experience he had with a coworker, who invited him to her house to play tennis. She told him to come to the back door, which invoked a strong, negative response in him. For him, the back door signaled racism and shame. He went to the front door. It bothered him so much that he asked her about it, and she said that where she grew up, family and friends came to the back door. For her, the back door signaled friendship and trust.

3. Be aware of cultural differences within racial groups. In healthcare, what is the diagnosis of a disparity (a difference in health outcomes among ethnicities)? How do you document the effects of micro-aggressions (covert, conscious, and intentional acts), micro-insults (subtle insults) or micro-invalidations (negative thoughts, feelings, and experiences)? What can you prescribe to address the lingering effects of colonialism, such as the prejudice and discrimination against people with darker skin tones and preferential treatment towards people with lighter skin tones?

Creating a place of safety, wellbeing, and belonging is an on-going process, one that has to be continually reinforced and reevaluated, so that we can live healthy and well.

Have you had an experience where something you said or did was interpreted in the wrong way? How did you reach an understanding and rebuild trust?

5 wise wellbeing practices

_{Source: Matt Bloom, PhD}

Though we know about the importance of self-care, sometimes it’s hard for people in the healing professions to take care of themselves, at home and at work.

I work for a mental health counseling center, and I was lucky to go to the Solihten Institute Annual Conference earlier this month. It was all about working well, wellbeing, and caring for caregivers.

Matt Bloom, PhD, whose research focuses on a holistic approach to well-being, which includes all elements of our mental, emotional, spiritual, and social health, was the keynote presenter.

An engaging speaker who shared personal stories and gave us long break-times to share our own stories, Dr. Bloom identified 5 dimensions of wellbeing. He also shared wise wellbeing practices that you can do (I included one practice for each of the dimensions, but there are many more):

1. Daily wellbeing. Research shows that it takes three “good” days to balance out one “bad” day. And while the positive effects of “good” days can carry over, so can the negative effects of “bad” days.

Wise wellbeing practice #1: Map your day for 2-4 weeks. Every day, mark down whether it was a good day or bad day. If possible, write down a high point and a low point for each day. After a few weeks, look for patterns in the days and see if there are underlying causes for what makes a day “good” or “bad.” Then commit to doing more of the things that make a day “good” for you.

2. Resilience. Resilience is about how we deal with challenges and our capacity to adapt and grow. It’s how we cope with the symptoms of burnout – exhaustion, ineffectiveness, or feeling cynicism or despair.

Wise wellbeing practice #2: Detach, relax, and grow. This means detaching from things that drain your energy (such as turning off the phone), relaxing with something that lets your body release energy (such as going for a walk or spending time with friends), and growing your mind (such as learning challenging your mind by learning or practicing something new).

3. Meaning. Your core values help you make sense out of life, help you identify what matters, and helps you decide what you should do with your life. But there’s a line between giving deeply, which may involve sacrifice, and giving too much, which leads to suffering.

Wise wellbeing practice #3: Spend some time thinking about your ideology of wellbeing. Why does wellbeing matter to you? Understanding your why will help give you commit to your wellbeing.

4. Self-integrity. Your belief in yourself is important to our wellbeing. It’s knowing that you are good enough and that you can do good things in the world

Wise wellbeing practice #4: Daily small acts of self-affirmation, and especially after experiencing negative thoughts or situations, help to reaffirm your self-integrity. For example, you might reflect on a positive experience, write a gratitude letter, or tell your story that affirms who you are and what you believe in.

5. Connectedness. The quality of your social relationships build a strong and positive wellbeing ecosystem. Who has the most impact on your wellbeing? They don’t have to believe what you believe or want what you want, but they should share your core values.

Wise wellbeing practice #5: Create rituals or common practices that increase your wellbeing at work and home. You probably already practice rituals that you don’t think about consciously. For example, you could start each day with a morning meditation, ask a wellbeing question at the beginning of every work meeting or family meal.

Remember: small actions can add up over time and lead to big changes in wellbeing.

What are your daily wellbeing practices? What makes something a “good” day for you?

“Taking Care of Self When No One Else Will” by Larry Cowan

Dr. Larry W. Cowan is a marriage and family therapist with over 30 years of experience. He wrote “Taking Care of Self When No One Else Will: How to Stop Being Trapped in Situations Not of Your Choosing” (2020) to help people find ways to be healthier, regardless of their situation or condition.

I’ve known Larry for a few years, running in to him at various annual conferences and a fundraising seminar. He was always a pleasure to talk to and generously shared his wisdom and experience. He told me that he had chosen to give me this book because he knew how difficult it is to be the executive director of a nonprofit organization.

Easy-to-read, practical, and filled with client stories, the book offers a glimpse into other people’s problems and ways that therapists might perceive their challenges.

Through short vignettes and stories, Larry shares some self-care tips about setting boundaries, dealing with challenging relationships, and managing overwhelm.

4 tips for keeping healthy boundaries:

• Say “no” without being harmful. When someone asks you to do something you know is wrong or don’t really want to do, you start to lose chunks of yourself. Make sure that your “yes” fulfills a greater goal or obligation and is true to your self.
• Ask for what you want – and ask others, “what do you want?” This prevents you from being selfish and creates healthy dialogue and effective decision-making.
• Hold your boundaries. Just become someone tells you something about yourself, doesn’t make it true.  You don’t have to give someone else the power to rule over your emotions.
• Examine your feelings. Are you feeling this way because of something you did or because of what someone else did to you?

3 tips for dealing with challenging relationships:

• Remember that you can only control your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
• Stop unhealthy patterns. Let yourself grieve the loss of a relationship, identify characteristics of poor relationships, and choose different environments and personalities. Reinvent yourself.
• Confront behaviors, not personalities. Step back and try to consider actions, without interpreting emotions or motivations.

2 tips for managing feelings stress and overwhelm:

• Focus on one little manageable part of the problem first. Then continue widening the circle until the whole task is complete.
• Cut your losses and move on to better circumstances. Sometimes, hanging on is only going to lead to disaster.

How do you take care of others when they need support? Who takes care of you when times are difficult?

5 activities for your self-care toolbox

A small group of us sat around a table at the library, gathered to talk and learn about self-care. We shared why we were there and how we cope with stressful situations during a workshop called “Feeling Adrift: Using Self-Care & Building Safety for Wellness.”

For me, the past couple of weeks have been especially challenging. You may have noticed that I’ve been writing about self-care recently, because I recognize the signs of exhaustion and burnout in myself.

Dr. Mestisa Gass asked us something that really struck me: “Why is it more valuable to take care of someone else than me? If you’re the rock, the person everyone leans on, how do they help you? How do you teach them to take care of themselves?”

It’s true. Safety videos remind us to take care of ourselves before we take care of others, but it’s hard to do. Often we tell ourselves that we are strong and we can help others shoulder our burdens. Often we can’t admit just how heavy those burdens can be.

“During times of stress, it helps to do what feels good, with no judgment,” said Dr. Mestisa Gass of Mental Health America of Hawai’i.

Here are 5 activities for your self-care toolbox:

1. Experience aromatherapy. Your sense of smell is the one sense most connected to memory. Look for scents that bring you peace, comfort, and relaxation, and keep those nearby. For example, many people find orange and citrus scents to be rejuvenating, while peppermint can be soothing and lavender can make you feel relaxed and rested. Be aware of your allergies and any allergies of the people around you, especially when using scents in common areas.
2. Map your energy and time flow. In the center of a page, draw a circle and label it “Me.” Around it, draw other circles that represent the people, tasks, and responsibilities that you spend time on. If something gives you energy, such as a self-care activity, draw an arrow towards yourself. If something takes energy from you, without giving much in return, such as a high-stress job or a negative relationship, draw an arrow away from yourself. If something both gives and takes energy, draw arrows in both directions. What can you change to balance things? If you are perfectly balanced, one small thing can tip you over into a deficit.
3. Try diaphragmatic breathing. Instead of breathing from your chest, practice breathing from your stomach. You can place one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach, and breath in from your stomach, keeping the hand on your chest still. This gives you more oxygen and helps calm you. “The easiest way to calm the nervous system is to engage the body,” Dr. Gass explained.
4. Write your “fast five” list. What are your five go-to activities that help you relax? Think of things that engage your senses, such as yoga, exercise, art, and favorite foods. Add these activities to your weekly routine. “Self-care is about adding into the space you have.”
5. Create a gratitude practice. Gratitude helps us feel more positive emotions. Ask yourself: What am I grateful for every day? What has kept me going that we are grateful for? What has been painful or a challenge that I am grateful for?

What do you do to practice self-care? What scents calm you, what activities relax and energize you?